Everyones gone...

...someplace. It is rather a strange situation again right now (well as if the universe with its twisted mind would not create strange situations all over). Everyone seems to be gone, SigGraph, Europe, Asia, home, holidays, class, dead, work or just busy (or not).

My birthday is coming up *puke*. 24 years old, god, how I hate it. I despise the day I was born, what a waste. Reflecting back to those days when I was still too young to realize that am actually alive and had nothing to worry about but when I can go play outside or when my parents would send me to bed. I miss those times. It was all much easier and less head and heart aching. But geez, 24, so many years later and I hate being grown up. I know I am, I don't know when it happened but it must have. I don't feel like I did grow up though. I make stupid jokes that most of the time don't create a laugh but makes people look at me as if am a super weirdo and even if people thought they "might" get along with me, they stay away. People I considered friends turn on me and I don't know why, I don't know what I did to them. Anyhow, why should I care? It all seems a waste of time and it hurts when I try to like people.
It sometimes get the impression I really should treat people like they were dirt. Don't try to have fun times, not try to socialize, try to be friends because it all amounts to people not like me.
Reflecting, again, on past experiences, all the people I considered friends and who I liked a lot hate me or are dead. Every single one of them I really cared about. I always managed to get them to hate me. And those that are dead, well, it feels like it is my fault. Such as my best buddy Selim. We went to school together back home, graduated and both wanted to come to SCAD together. Now he is dead. Why did he die? Because of me. That year between graduation and SCAD I was in the military, he re-enlisted for officers school because I was in it at the time and said it was so much fun and we would both be done and finished with all the military crap before college starts.
It probably wasn't meant to be but hes dead. Died in the military, car accident. I am still not over it. And this was almost 4 years ago. I often see him sitting somewhere, or see him in the corner of my eye walk beside me. It feels like he is even though hes dead the only person who has not left me. He's always with me.
He is the exception it seems. The only person I cared a lot about who is still with me.
Well friends come and go my mom used to say, and I guess it is true. In the end all you have is yourself, and sometimes am not even sure I have that.
I will enjoy those friends I have right now, and those people who don't want to be my friends, so be it. I will have to live with it. I can't always be friends with the people I like I guess. Twisted mind of the universe has to fuck me over and over again. YAY, can't wait to see what happens next!